So Where have I Been

So where have I been

Now it is somewhat obvious that for the last 5 or so weeks I have gone a bit ‘missing in action’

There were a few reasons for this but the main one being that I needed “ME” time

Me time makes me sound a little bit selfish and self centered but I just needed time to re-focus and balance myself a bit more.

I’ve looked at my blog and hadn’t absolutely NO idea how to write or if I could put into words how I feeling. So I made to decision rather that write forced ‘crap’ as I call it I would wait until I felt ready to write again.

After Sydney finale, everything was intense and completely and utterly INSANE. I’m not a private person at all, but I certainly wasn’t prepared for the attention both negative and positive that I received. I had emails, Facebook message, and blog posts. I had random people at work congratulations - hell I didn’t even know they knew about 12WBT. I am in no way an attention seeker and all of this really made me want to go running to the hills and hide.

I am so super proud of my accomplishments on my journey so far and I would like to think I am a strong minded, determined young women HOWEVER there is honestly only so much negative that I can and WANT to deal with.

If I read one more “that’s great that you won’t die of heart disease instead you’ll die of skin cancer”, “These results are photo shopped and you’re a fake” (ps here if I photo shopped I might of got rid of the sunburn just personally you know lol) or “You still so fat, unhealthy etc.” – I think I might of cracked. These were the polite comments I received- I shall not re write some of the emails as its bit like “feeding the trolls”.

the said sunburnt and  photoshopped photos :P

There was a stage where I felt like I was spending more time on the computer than outside, moving gym’ing or the like.  I had SO many messages to reply to and there was only so much time I want to spend talking about my journey rather than living it. That sounds like I didn’t want to be supportive but its more that I’m still only halfway thru and I most certainly don’t have the answers yet

I started off being able to deal with it, but then it got to a point where I went – Actually I’m NOT ok with how this is making me feel.  So I made to decision just to withdraw a little bit from the ‘online environment’ to get my head in the right space.

So for a while I just kept to myself, worked my ass off at the gym, followed the program just very quietly going about my business. I eventually was able to step back and realise that a lot of the those comments were either from jealousy or from people scared about their own journeys- deep down I knew this already , but these facts were hidden by my hurt from them in the first place.

So after my ‘ME” time, I’m Back, happy, positive, healthy, proud and estatic where I am now and well into the Eighties

Eyesbrows Vs 12WBT mindset

My last week has been filled with a few internal “EKK” moments lol

It all started with my eyebrows. Now you might wonder how eyebrows might have an effect on my week.  Well with Sydney finale only next week I felt I needed some ‘tidying up’ and booked some ME time to have my eyebrows waxed and tinted. Now I have been here before and had exactly the same thing done- so figured it would all be like usual. Oh how wrong I was!!!

I believe that when I got home my Facebook status was this (excuse language)

“Sometimes I wonder why I even let beauty salons near me! My bloody eyebrows are now fucking black and two different shapes I can't even look at me without laughing”

Honestly they looked like two black caterpillars on my face- when I looked in the mirror all I could see was EYEBROWS. Now I am in no way a drama queen- I generally don’t have hissy fits or the like, but OMG did this eyebrow situation bring up my inner queen.  I was so shocked with the colour that it took me until I got home to notice that they were two different shapes.

All I could think about was EKK they will be like this for Sydney. My inner drama queen was like ‘I can’t go out in public- and that includes the gym” thankfully my strong 12WBT mindset won that battle. So off to the gym (after cleansing in an attempt to get the colour to ‘settle’) I went. Trainer looked at me, looked again- went to say something- I was like ‘NOPE, no mention” He smartly didn’t make a comment.  Smashed out a HUGE workout to get rid of my angry and drama queen- went home, sat down, took a breathe and went  they are only eyebrows- if that’s the worst that could happen to me I’m lucky.

I thought then that I had said goodbye to my inner drama queen but oh NO she had been unleashed.  I swear for 48hrs I felt like everything I might have been self-conscious about I was even worse. I woke up at MIDNIGHT to try on finale dresses that I had because I wasn’t happy with how my favourite one sat. Because you know trying on multiple dresses, earring and shoes at midnight is something completely sane to do?!?!

I do think I was quite possible slightly hormonal – but all brought on by those bloody black eyebrows (which thankfully have settled and I can look in the mirror without the giggles now)

So after re-assessing my journey, looking at some before photos, re visiting some mindset lesson- I was back to feeling comfortable or maybe actually ecstatic about how I was feeling. My mind is just running behind my physical body a little bit. But I’m ok with that- there were no self-loathing feelings or falling back into destructive habits- it was mainly just some fears, some hormones and then the eyebrows :P

The other EKK moment was putting together a before and after photo of my round – whenever I might be having a downer or frustrated at myself- I give myself a bit of a kick up the butt and go “Oi, look at how far you have come- embrace it”. I usually share these with 12WBT’ers on the forums or on Facebook. I decided to share it on Mish’s page also. Now with the joys of the New FB I didn’t take into consideration that this meant that the photo would be posted on my public feed for all my non 12wbt friends and family to see.  Most of them were aware that I was overweight but due to many a untagged photo,  alot didn’t know the full extent on how heavy I started at. But here it was on my news feed for everyone to see and comment on. I had an OMG OMG EKK moment but then thought- NO I am not proud of how I let myself get to that weight- but I won’t hide from it. I take responsibility for it but I also take responsibility for make the changes that resulted in the after photo.

12WBT has helped me change my life in SO many ways and also I have made the decision to change my life also- 12WBT can give you the tools, the support but you need to take that leap of faith- faith in program and faith in yourself for it to be successful.

Now with my drama queeen moment over BRING ON SYDNEY

I'm here and I've Conquered

I’m here, I’m here.

I keep meaning to post but have been running flat chat everywhere- with work, exercise, cooking, being an event junkie and horses etc. Some people might resent being this busy- I’m EMBRACING this busy- it doesn’t give me time to think up excuses or to fall back into ‘lazy’ habits. This busy is helping rebuild my life.

Since I last spoke I have conquered some major milestones.

The first one being…………….. DOUBLE DIGITS

Key happy dance and drums and glitter for that morning on the scales. I was and still am so excited about saying goodbye forever to that pesky 1 in front. One of the things I had to laugh about was it now takes me less time to start the treadmill as I don’t have to wait as long to get to my weight J

However there still lies in my mind that little voice of self-doubt. The one that tells you that you have been under 100kgs before and then you became complacent and more able to justify bad choices. That I might be content to be this weight, that I’ve already done enough. I’m sure everyone knows that voice. Well I’m drowning out this voice with FACTS.

Yes I am on my way to the healthier me- but I am still classed as obese.

Yes I am happier but I’m not the best version of myself yet.

Yes I am getting fitter but I am not the best that I could be or want to be.

So to that voice I say – “bugger off” I may hear you but I choose my own path not lead by you. My journey has only just begun.

The next major milestone- I had planned from week 1. When I thought of things that I wasn’t capable of or didn’t have the urge to do, one of the first things to come to mind was any form of incline- hills, climbs, mountains.  So as a week 8 milestone I made the choice to tackle Mt Abrupt.  It had a combination of a few of my fears at the start- Any form of walking, steep inclines and rocks just waiting for me to fall and fail; so it was absolutely perfect J

So I organised for the awesome women of Warrnambool and Surround crew to get together and tackle the mountain.  Each of us were at different points in our journeys but we all wanted to accomplish this climb. On the drive to Dunkeld this was what we were approaching

It looks huge and impressive and I was super excited-. The group of us in the car park- smiles and legs ready to go.

I think the walk to the steps was the only downhill part of first 4kms to the summit J Now knowing myself and my coordination and balance- I took note of the please avoid falling signs lol

 And up we went and up and up. I know my heart rate was certainly heading up there too. The trail (more like steps and rocks) was filled with laughter –and maybe some clattering sounds of rocks falling. But thankfully no falling of the climbers J

The views alone were worth it- they were 360 all around and as the day was super clear you could see for miles. It did feel a bit like clothes swap for a bit tho- get hot from climbing- take jacket off- come out into open- wind bloody freezing- jacket on.

There was some rock surfing, some creeping to the ledge of cliff and general uphill climbing till we got the first glimpse of the summit- It was a bit of the “how the hell do I get there” moment

But off my legs took me and 1hr and 23mins since starting I arrived at the top of Mt Abrupt. 

 WOOHOO moment of achievement- this was something that without a doubt 8 weeks ago I wouldn’t of achieved.  It was windy, completely freezing, I was red and sweaty and I couldn’t have cared less.  To think that I would have let myself miss out on this experience only a short time ago- just shows what a positive impact 12WBT has had on me and my life. A happy dance was on the cards but with wind and slippery rocks I thought best not to push my luck- I still had to get down the mountain.

Although it didn’t reflect on my HRM the trek down was just as hard as the climbing up. It was slower and I had to be pretty careful on where I placed my feet to avoid falling rocks and me following them. I definitely felt it in my ankles and knees. And finally as we walked down the mountain we came back to civilisation and the car park.  In total 3hr and 1min and 1287 calories burnt. But this climb was so much more than numbers.  It represented all that I thought I couldn’t do and proved that the only limitations are the ones you put on yourself and I got to share the experience with some fantastic women that I would have never met otherwise.

So I’m here and I’ve conquered- bring it ON!!!

Week 8- 3/4s of this round’s journey done filled with adventures and a new lease on life

It might be 3 quarters of the journey done for this round but this is only the start for me- I’ve signed up for round 4- to help thru the ‘silly’ season.

On reflection I am not the same person that started this round 8 weeks ago. Well maybe I am but 12WBT has helped bring her out into the open. I smile more, laugh a hell of a lot more and am SO much more positive.

Lol I’ve turned my lazy habits into a bit of a organisation Nazi – lol I’ve organised a big group of awesome women  for the Sydney Finale, hiking in the Otways, Colour Run and week 8 milestone up Mt Abrupt.  8 weeks ago the thought of this would have sent me back to bed or opening the cupboard doors for sweet snacks. 8 weeks ago my usual bed time was between 12am-5am and if I wasn’t working would sleep half the day away- it’s now 9-10am and getting up at 6am for gym sessions.

8 Weeks ago I weighed 121.2kgs and that weight weigh even more heavily on my mindset. I have now donated 21.1kgs to the fat god never to be seen again and my mind is now to free to have a new lease on life. And I will take it with both hands and run with it- yep I actually run, jog, and shuffle now J this is a photo of my weight loss journey so far this round

 

These 8 weeks has been filled with many adventures, new friends and those that know me; some physical slips- I’m still clumsy that hasn’t changed.

One such day that including all of the above was the hiking trip to the Otways, I can already feel the giggling starting.  It was going to be called the “4 falls in one day” instead it got renamed “4 falls and a bit”- the name change will become apparent soon enough. So I met up with fellow 12wbt’ers Carol and Debbie at 8am full of gusto and enthusiasm – I’ve lived here for 5 years and hadn’t ventured to the Otways but that was the old me- the one that thought walking was pointless- This is the NEW me.

Our first stop for the day was Melba Falls

 

How could I not of been a walker if all places were as gorgeous as here. It was peaceful and serene- even with our laughter filling the air. Definitely could have imagined Fae folk living in places like this-

 I didn’t even notice the inclines or dreaded stairs too busy appreciating nature- although did take into consideration the warning signs designed for people as clumsy as me.

 

Next was Little Aire Falls

 

I should of taken more notice of the warning sign at Melba- I got to enjoy some slipping mud fun on the way to these falls- got to have a few memorable moments, right?!? Lol thankfully I was lucky enough to miss falling on the Otway carnivorous black snail so bonus there. At this point my legs were still fresh, my mind ready for more and my lungs enjoying the air.

(ps looking at the skrinking Carol- she is doing bloody FANTASTIC)

Bring on the 2.5km loop to Triplet falls.

I was eating up the kms, inclines and dreaded steps.  These falls were just gorgeous and made the most beautiful music while we walked thru the track to find them.

Had our picnic lunch- with Debbie quite possibly thinking of her original lunch sitting at home with the threat of her husband eating it lol.

Moving onto Hopetoun Falls

Now this had a fair few more dreaded steps than I might of appreciated at the time- what goes down must go back up those steps lol But was well worth the hike down, including yet another slip moment- steps actually being my saviour from what could have been more dramatic.

So that was the completion of “4 falls in one day” planned hike. But we didn’t feel quite like this was the completion of the day- so on the drive home – we stopped into Maits Rest

 

compared to what we had already done this was a beautiful stroll thru the rainforest- it had some of the most amazing trees and scenery.

Now we are coming up to the “and bit” part of the name change.  On the left was a wonderful sign saying “Cape Otway Lighthouse” and being in the touristy mood we were in- why not? So left we turned and we were greeted by some tourist dodging and exorbitant prices to walk thru and up the lighthouse. But what’s that we see- a sign to “Rainbow falls” 5.5kms- we all wanted another falls to add to our belt for the day and look what we had achieved already- what was another 5.5km round trip. Lol if only we knew- gosh the delusional giggles are already starting. This walk had different terrain than the previous- sand, steps, cliffs and beach views- that was all beautiful but it kind of started to get the feeling of “um where are these falls”. Plus I was wary of these signs knowing my previous history.

 

 Walking, walking and some more walking brought us down the bottom of the cliffs onto the beach. We were going to find these bloody “Rainbow Falls” sooner or later (personally I was certainly hoping sooner than later). And find them we thought we had. In a complete W.T.F moment this was what greeted us at ‘Rainbow Falls” all of a foot high and a spring feed trickle.

The sound of our delirious laughter could be heard- there were no words to describe what was going thru my head- possible of mix of humour, disappointment, muscle cramps, pain and the evil thoughts of the 5.5kms traipse that we had to go to get back to the car. The sign lied- not 5.5kms round trip- 5.5km each way. On the way back we were all on auto pilot- one foot in front of the other. I swear my walk stride felt all of cms big and I was completely drained. One of the best sights on this walk was re-seeing the lighthouse meaning the end was near.

 

One thing this walk did give us was the opportunity to be driving back near dusk and seeing koalas EVERYWHERE. I might have lived in Australia my whole life but it was so magical- they were everywhere and just so active.  And it would seem our legs had enough left in them to move at some pace when one mister grumpy Koala needed us out of his way.

26.65kms, 37174 steps and 6 hours of walking was what we achieved on paper (I think my Fitbit was in complete shock) but we pushed ourselves beyond what we thought we could. To think that 8 weeks ago I would have missed out on this opportunity just because I thought I couldn’t or wouldn’t do it. For me this has been the biggest change; that 12WBt has opened so many doors that I didn’t even know existed or that I even knew that I wanted to open. Bring on the next 4 Weeks and all the weeks after those

My goals and self belief are now as tall as these trees- they have taken centuries to get there, and it will take me as long as it will take me but i WILL get there

 

me VS Dinner

This is not something I would of expected to write when I first embarked on this journey of sorts

Something I have been struggling with this week is UNDER eating. I eat my breakfast and lunch and the snacks during the day, I do my work out after work and then I get home and I’m completely not hungry. It’s not even the fact I don’t want to cook- I’m tired but it’s no drama- have lots of frozen meal choices for those days. It is that I just don’t feel the need to eat. No hungry pains, no cravings- just plain not hungry. I had made the choice that I would go to bed without eating, maybe 3-4 times last week- in my mind I didn’t want to ‘force’ myself to eat as I was afraid that it would either cause a binge or bring on those evil hunger pains.

The problem with that was 4 days out of the 7, I was lucky to have reached 700 calories. I was also doing two workouts daily burning between 600-1200 calories each day. I KNOW that this isn’t a combination that gets results. I think I can almost feel my body going “my fat-MINE” in preparation for the starvation it thinks I am putting it thru. I thought I was prepared to combat the hungry excuses but what the hell do I do about not hungry?? This wasn’t something I was expecting lol At the start I was embracing the not hungry feeling as I meant to could focus on the choices both in food and exercise without going slightly mad with hungry, getting grumpy and then fighting urges when I got home.

I have a cupboard and freezer full of pre-prepared meals, healthy snacks and great choices- but the problem is not the choices I’m making but the lack of one.

I knew what I was doing wasn’t the correct choice- eating less does NOT equal higher weight loss and my mind set wasn’t ever in this thinking. It was more I use to be a massive overeater and was afraid that by what I felt was ‘forcing’ myself to eat that I could possible start down that path again.

Over eating, under eating-ARGH I just want to find the happy medium in between and I know 12WBT is this path.  Yes I still lost weight this week but I will bring on a plateau or a gain if I continued this false relationship with dinner.

So I have fortified myself with the strength that eating dinner will not cause overeating because I WONT allow it too. Dinner isn’t an evil meal that will cause the scale to go up- it is a meal that my body needs to function and support my weight loss journey. The meals plans that 12WBT provide will NOT run straight to my butt and make it bigger- although that is possible if I continue to not eat.

I have been making the right choices so there is no reason to be so afraid of my success so far. Sometimes I think success or progress can bring up feelings of being undeserving. I have treated my body like crap for so long- do I deserve to be thin and look and feel great? Those sorts of down feelings. But I do deserve to be that healthier person and so does everyone else. Success is never a straight or flat journey and this was just a tangent off the best course for me